Vulnerability....

When I signed my oldest son up for an on-line distance learning program, I didn't imagine all the emotions I'd feel about it. I knew I was relinquishing control, giving up all the good books, allowing someone else to decide what he needed to learn and what he didn't. I was, am, okay with that. It's high school, and he's still at home, so I can still chat with him about what he learns (I am so thankful he does that, chats with me about what he's learning...), and be a part of the shaping of his opinions, the forming of his world view.

It happens, right? We all, eventually, grow up and make our own decisions, sometimes ones that don't coincide neatly with what our parents want. I'm glad, then, that he includes us and that his first taste of An Outside Voice is coming while he still lives at home.

Because after High School comes college, University. And he may or may not live at home for that, depending on where we're living by then, what school he goes to, etc. But he will, without a doubt, be inundated with Different Opinions. Outside Voices. Teachers, professors, telling him What To Believe. Friends. Peers. Roommates and Suite Mates and a whole big college campus full of ideas and opinions coming at him from every which way.

I don't want that to be his first exposure to information that wasn't hand picked by me or his dad. I just don't. If I were still hand-picking all of his curriculum, carefully crafting a structure for building his world view around my world view, it would not be tested, tried, and sure by the time he leaves for college. And when those differing views come at him, fast and furious, we would not be there, his dad and I, to help him sift through what's right, what's wrong, what's in between, and why each one is what it is.

So, when I handed over control of curriculum choosing, signed him up for TTUISD, I was ready for that. I had thought it through, analyzed it, weighed it, sized it up and arrived at my conclusion: This was, is, a good thing. And it is. It has played out much like I thought -- he is beginning, now, in the safety and comfort of our home, to bounce his new ideas off of us, testing them for validity, waiting to see our reaction. Do we like this new idea of his? Are we okay with it? Is he becoming a young man we're proud of?  (he is, and we are).

What I didn't expect, wasn't prepared for, is the vulnerability. Of sending my son out into this world, not just to be hit with differing opinions as solid teachings, but opinions. Not about subject matter, but about his performance as a student. Grades. From someone else. I am finding that to be a scary feeling.

When you've been the only teacher in your child's life, ever, it's nerve wracking. Suddenly, someone else has the deciding vote, "Is he a good student? Is this assignment well done? Did he do, is he doing, a good job??"

Suddenly, because you've always ever been his only teacher, it feels like someone else is not grading just your son, but you. Did you teach him well?

Except, as we near the end of our first semester, I am more scared about how he is being judged than how I am being judged. Insecurity. Vulnerability. Wanting to see him succeed, to hear that his teachers are pleased with his work. Just like I wanted him to be liked on the playground, to make friends, just as we all want our kids to do well.

And now here we are. He has finished 3 of his six courses. He is finishing up 2 more, and will request an extension for the 6th; Art was a bit overwhelming for us. His grades at this point are all As, pending the assignments waiting to be turned in. He has such a high A in Geography that he could get a 69 on the final exam, which is worth 25% of his grade, and still have an A in the course over all. Except that he is required to pass the exam, or it doesn't count.

I'm proud of him, of how hard he's worked so far. Of the job he has done, of the work ethic he has shown.

But my heart is in my throat as he gets ready to take these exams, these first real tests of his; exams that will set his grade for the first semester that will go on a transcript that will one day be sent to colleges as he seeks admittance to their institutions.

I have no reason to think he'll do anything other than awesome, truly. But I am nervous. Insecure. Vulnerable.

Wish us me him luck.